Hollywood, California -
"I remember it clearly, as if it just happened yesterday," said Charlie Sheen, as he recalled the incident in which a tiger in a jungle in Southeast Asia attacked him. His mind like a gin trap, ironically exhibiting the ever omnipresence of the tiger’s blood flowing through his veins. "I was on the set of a movie that my father was doing at the time. I think it was Apocalypse Now…or was it Armageddon? Maybe it was Platoon. No, no it was Hot Shots. Anyway, nature called so I took a walk in the jungle. But when I got there, it turned out that I just had to take a leak."
That is when all of a sudden a tiger jumped out of the bushes attacking Charlie Sheen.
"And I’m talking one big [BLEEP]," said Charlie Sheen.
As the tiger pounced on top of Charlie Sheen, he was knocked to the ground temporarily immobilized by the giant cat.
"I didn’t mind it all that much," said Charlie Sheen. "I mean I’ve had a [BLEEP] or two in my face before, if you know what I mean. Although I have to admit this one was the first to have teeth -- Not to mention those stripes. Wow! I guess the rumor is true about me. I will sleep with anything once…or is it twice? Gee, maybe I should get tested or something."
Almost at once, the tiger bit into Charlie Sheen's back.
"I think I said something like, ‘Ouch, you crazy bitch," said Charlie Sheen. "So you want to get kinky? I’ll give you kinky.’ Then I bit her back."
Literally, Charlie Sheen bit the tiger on its back.
"Right below the third vertebrae," said Charlie Sheen. "That usually gets their attention. A chiropractor and his fat little kid that use to live with me in Malibu taught me that trick."
Unaccustomed to having the tables turned, the cat abandoned the attack and retreated into the safety of the jungle.
"I gave chase, asking her for her number," said Charlie Sheen. "But I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Nothing more than one of my many, many one nightstands."
It was years after that Charlie Sheen realized that he was attacked by a tiger and not just another one of his crazed fans, ingesting its blood in the exchange.
"Ever since then, I’ve been immune to the negative effects of drugs," said Charlie Sheen. "What can I say. It was meant to be so I could bring sunshine into your otherwise dreary pitiful lives."
Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
Photo Courtesy of:
http://www.wpclipart.com/animals/cats/cat_4/cat_sad_tiger.png
