Friday, March 25, 2016

Hollywood’s Worse of the Worst Movie Pitches…EVER!!! (The Sequel)





By Robert W. Armijo

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“Tell me what you got in 30 seconds or less.”

Pitchman:

“It’s a story about a returning young female Iraq war veteran who just arrived stateside after serving a tour of duty in which she sustained a leg wound by way of an IED, while providing a military escort to a supply convoy just out side of Baghdad.

Finding it difficult to reintegrate back into society as a war veteran as it is, what complicates her life further is that she refuses to accept the fact that she is now an amputee as well. This manifests itself in her refusal to wear an artificial limb, but continue to rely on crutches instead. Choosing to live in a world of make-believe that her injury is temporary, believing she will eventually get better. But really it’s a universal story that has a broad demographic and popular appeal.”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“Oookkay. Who’s the antagonist?”

Pitchman:

“Lack of self-acceptance.”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“Lack of self-acceptance. You got me hooked. Continue.”

Pitchman:

“Well, no matter how hard she tries, she just can’t seem to accept the reality that she is an amputee. Until one day, one day, she decides to literally castaway her crutches and accepts she is an amputee by wearing her artificial leg. Which has been standing in the corner of her 13th floor VA hospital room, leaning up against the wall by a window all this time, as if waiting for her embrace? Once she does, she discovers she is able to overcome all emotional and physical obstacles in her way."

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“I see. Very inspirational. And what is the title of your movie?”

Pitchman:

“Well, it’s named after the veteran.”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“Which is?”

Pitchman:

“Peggy.”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“Peggy?”

Pitchman:

“Peggy.”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“Well. We’ll have to work on that. Tell me more. I mean how does your movie end?”

Pitchman:

“What about the 30 seconds?”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“You just bought yourself a full minute. Now go on.”

Pitchman:

“Well, as you can imagine, she puts on the artificial leg…”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Executive:

“I bet she stands up.”

Pitchman:

“Yes. She stands up…”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“I bet she walks around the hospital room.”

Pitchman:

“Yes. She walks around the hospital room…”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“I bet she walks over to the window.”

Pitchman:

“Yeah. Then over to the window, looking out at the skyline...”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“Beautiful, just beautiful. Then what happens?”

Pitchman:

“Then she takes a few steps back from the window and jumps out of it.”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“What?!”

Pitchman:

“Yeah.”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“I don’t get it.”

Pitchman:

“You see, her crutches were preventing her from committing suicide, because she couldn’t jump out the window with them.”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“Oh, god no.”

Pitchman:

“Yeah. They kept blocking her way. With her artificial limb, she was finally able to gain enough speed, momentum and clearance from the window frame to jump out. But there’s a happy ending.”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“You mean there’s more?”

Pitchman:

“Yeah. On the way down, her artificial leg gets caught on an awning. Then she marries the fireman who rescues her and has three kids from him as a result.”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“Well, I guess with a few rewrites...We could make it work.”

Pitchman:

“You mean cut out the attempted suicide part?”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“No. That’s reality. Just make it that she dies as a result of her suicide attempt because the non-profit executives at ‘Wounded Warrior’ frivolously spent the heartfelt appeal for money for wounded vets donated by righteous citizens."

Pitchman:

"As a result, ‘Wounded Warriors’ neglects to pay the suicide prevention hotline phone bill."

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“Again, god, no.”

Pitchman:

“So when Peggy calls the suicide prevention hotline for returning vets, all she hears is a busy signal or disconnected phone recording.”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“Yup.” 

Pitchman:

“Got it! So the message of the movie really is…?”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“Just like all movies. Seemingly letting the movie viewer draw their own conclusion when really forcing them to make up their so-called own mind on the most narrowest arguments presented, which skews in your chosen visual medium heartfelt invoking favor, fogging up their clarity of thought and mental judgement.”

Pitchman:

“So what you’re really saying to me is that America is not ready to accept reality. And that I should change my movie about Peg’s struggles as a returning wounded vet from the Iraqi war to a story about a couple of lesbians struggling with an unruly rescue they adopted from a local animal shelter instead?”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“Finally. That sounds about right to me. But hey, you can still call your movie ‘Peggy’". 

Pitchman:

“Only now it will be about a misunderstood Pit Bull that needs socializing. Especially after going unchecked by Animal Control.”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“Because she’s much misunderstood and protected by a much misperceived vail of political incorrectness, which resulted in her mulling and amputating various domestic pets and small children throughout the neighborhood. But now don’t you see? Now your movie has a universal appeal. Now instead of it being selfishly just about a returning wounded Iraqi war veteran. Oh, did I fail to mention that she's now studying to be a veterinarian. So it’s not all about just one dog." 

Pitchman:

“Let me guess. Not just any dog. But one breed of dog in particular...a Pit Bull.”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“Of course.”

Pitchman:

“Just for broader demographic and popular appeal, of course.”

Mr. Big Shot Movie Studio Executive:

“Of course.”

Pitchman:

“I’ll get working on the rewrite right of way.”


Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of: wpclipart.com


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