Monday, January 25, 2016

Moon of Endor Holocaust Star Wars Movie Plot More Plausible Than Actual Plot of ‘Star Wars Episode VII: Force Awakens’ Movie Plot?

Debris path trajectory of the destroyed 

Death Star II over the Moon of Endor 
By Robert W. Armijo

How many Star Wars fans were disappointed by the movie ‘Star Wars Episode VII: Force Awakens’?

How many of us are thinking to yourselves right now, “I could have done better!” Well, here’s my version. 

It may not measure up to yours. But hey, I’m sure you will agree with me that at very least, it is certainly more plausible than the one “Jar Jar Abrams” apparently phoned in. Enjoy.

Given that much of the plot of any Star Wars movie is revealed in its prologue, ‘Star Wars Episode VII: Force Awakens’ should have opened with something like this…

End seemingly endless and worthless movie trivia questions from the silver screen.

End seemingly endless movie trailers to upcoming movies that look far more interesting than the one you are about to watch in retrospect. 

Cue: “A longtime ago in a galaxy far, far away…”

Still looks good for a 1970's font. 

Cue: Star Wars theme song... ♫

You’ve heard it so many times before, you now realize you’re sick of hearing it. And if not yet, by the end of the movie you will be. You will be.

Roll: Episode and title. 

You think to yourself, “Maybe I should’ve gone to the restroom and emptied out my bladder. Oh well, too late now. The usher will just have to clean that up.”

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens 

Actually, it’s a bit boring. And at some points in the movie, it runs the serious risk of putting you to sleep. If it wasn’t for the fact that you paid so much to watch it in IMAX 3D, and you want to make sure you get your money’s worth.

Although during one scene in the movie, I did think I was having a Harry Potter flashback that jolted me back awake like a pot of coffee; waving my red soda straw in hand like a magical wand, wishing the movie was better or over.

Roll: Prologue. 

And here we go…I’ll be quite now. [Annoying ring tone goes off] Damn it! Sorry about that. I’ll shut off my phone. No more interruptions. I promise.

After the triumphant defeat of the evil empire, the once lost Old Republic was restored nearly to its original state of equilibrium of justice and order before the rise of the Sith and demise of the Jedi, the true guardians of the galaxy.

The first order of business of the recently restored galactic senate was to finally compensate the Ewoks of the Moon of Endor for the destruction of their home world, which the then still under construction, yet fully operational, ‘Death Star II” was orbiting, and which was successfully destroyed by the alliance. 

However, unfortunately due to its proximity, the resulting field of debris from the destroyed Death Star II, rained down on the surface of the Moon of Endor

Resulting in the death and misery of millions of its cute, cuddly, furry and as it turned out, easily flammable inhabitants, the Ewoks.  

However, the newly appointed Supreme Chancellor, Jar Jar Binks, (former senator of the planet Naboo) lead the successful defeat of the measure to compensate the Ewoks for their loss by refusing to finance a super-fund to clean up their home world, the Forrest Moon of Endor, forcing them into exile and rebellion. 

Instead the wise and completely competent Supreme Chancellor, Jar Jar Binks, redirects the funds earmarked to clean up the Sanctuary Moon of Endor to that of a military project: the construction of a third Death Star, which he deemed necessary for the defense of the New Republic.

To quote Supreme Chancellor Jar Jar Binks:

"Uh, thiz timez. Uh, wez zhell juze it for goodz only. No bad. No. In factz, mez, uh, thinkin’, wez,uh, movez the Ewokz, uh, there insteada, too. Muzh like, uh, killin’ two wombatz with one blazter at the samez timez.”

-- Dictated (but not read), Zupreme Chancellor Jar Jar Binkz

Supreme Chancellor Jar Jar Binks then orders the test firing of the so-called "New" Death Star (III)", targeting the Moon of Endor; deeming it not a planet, but a celestial dwarf -- uninhabitable and a “wazte of outer zpace”.

With destruction of their home, the Moon of Endor, and with their forced relocation to their new "home", the "New" Death Star (III), it is not too long before the little feisty fussy frustrated fur balls realized the power that rests beneath their little furry feet was theirs for the taking. 

However, they needed allies. So they reached out to their once sworn enemy, the Stormtroopers.

Having been defeated by the two-feet tall, stone-age armed formidable miniature menaces, many Stormtroopers joined the Ewoks (perhaps out of fear) in their galactic conspiracy to defeat the restoration of the New Republic and dominate the galaxy at the helm of the "New" Death Star (III).

“If we can’t have an intact moon [planet], then no one can! You stupid mother [BLEEP] ers!


-- Ewok High-Command.

[Rap music begins playing in the background]

“♫Bitch, please! We’re gonna give it to yah! We’re gonna give it to yah! We’re gonna give it to yah!♫ ” 

[Background sound: microphone being dropped to the floor]

Roll: Still disappointing -- but much more plausible – Star Wars movie. 

Well, you get the idea in my version. Soon the Ewok conspiracy takes seed among the rank and file of the newly spawned Stormtroopers -- A.K.A. some Black guy who we are falsely racistly lead to believe steals a jacket from a supposedly dead white dude. The best pilot in the resistance, mind you. That just crashed onto the surface of a planet, while flying a high jacked Tie-Fighter. And which the wreckage then gets sucked beneath the sand and explodes – as if that makes any sense at all.

Copyright © 2016 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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