Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Mister Miss America Apologizes to Former Miss America Vanessa Williams for Miss America’s Outdated 1984 Moral Sensibilities…America!
By Robert W. Armijo
“Whether you were forced to resign your title as Miss America because of nude pictures or not,” said the now CEO of the Miss America pageant, during last night’s show. “It just doesn’t matter. Not really. Not now.”
“Thank you,” replied a teary eyed, Vanessa Williams.
The former Miss America queen lost her crown when nude photographs taken with another woman surfaced in Penthouse magazine way back in 1984.
“Although they were nude pictures published in Penthouse magazine,” continued the CEO. “Still it just doesn’t matter. Really, it doesn’t.”
“Thank you so very much,” said Williams, while wiping away a tear.
“I mean so what if they were nude pictures published in Penthouse magazine with another woman,” continued the CEO. “Or nude pictures published in Penthouse magazine with another woman done in provocative suggestive lesbian poses. It doesn’t matter. Not then and certainly not now.”
“I know and I thank --” Williams was cut off before she could finish her sentence.
“Whatever, right?” continued the CEO. “I mean what are a few naked photos published in Penthouse magazine – then an internationally published magazine, mind you -- with another woman done in a provocative suggestive lesbian fashion who also happened to be white...Though I’m sure race had nothing to do with it, right?”
“No, no,” said a stunned Williams. “Certainly not.”
The CEO paused a moment, as if lost in thought.
“Just in case,” said the CEO. “On behalf of the Miss America pageant, I would like to apologize for that too.”
“For what now?” replied Williams.
“I mean,” continued the CEO. “Whether they were nude pictures published in Penthouse magazine with a woman in suggestive lesbian poses who also happened to be white, during Ronald Reagan’s conservative 'shining city on the hill' era or whatever. It just doesn’t matter. It really, really doesn’t matter.”
Williams looked on in dumbfound silence.
“I mean they’re not even pornographic, if you think about it really,” said the CEO.
“Oh no,” said Williams. “I don’t like were this is going.”
“I mean we all know now that it’s only pornography if it’s done in color, right?” said the CEO.
“I guess,” said Williams.
”I mean it’s not pornography if it’s done in black and white, right?” said the CEO. “I mean if we only knew that back then.”
Williams hung her head down.
The CEO then fell silent.
Williams lifted up her head, shocked that the CEO finally stopped talking.
“Are you done?” Williams meekly asked the CEO.
With a forced smile on his face, the CEO simply nodded yes.
“Really?” asked Williams in somewhat disbelief.
However, no sooner had Williams asked her question of the CEO did he began to speak again.
“I mean that one black and white photo with your face pushed up against that other woman’s bush is in no way offensive by today’s standards,” said the CEO. “Am I right audience?”
The audience clapped but somewhat hesitantly.
“No,” replied Williams, assuring and asserting herself. “I guess not.”
“And I guess in some small way we all have you to thank for that, right?” asked the CEO.
“I guess so,” said Williams as she hung her head again and slumped her shoulders.
However, the audience rose to their feet with whistles and applause of approval for Williams.
“Now,” asked the CEO above the din of the audience. “What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Um, you’re welcome, I guess,” said Williams.
As the applause from the audience grew louder, Williams’ confidence grew as well.
“You’re welcome America!” said a reborn Williams. “You’re welcome!”
Williams then signaled the orchestra.
As the band played burlesque music, Williams took to the catwalk, stripping off her clothes all along the way, pausing periodically to throw them out to eager members of the audience.
Williams then licked her thumb, pressed it against her hip and made a sizzling sound.
“Mama still got it!” Williams said. “Come and get it boys, while it’s still hot.”
Photos courtesy of wpclipart.com
Copyright © 2015 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.