Thursday, November 22, 2012

The Real Story of Thanksgiving

Happy Native American Ethnic Cleansing Day!
I mean, Happy Thanksgiving Day!
Washington D.C.--

So accustomed were the pilgrims to having a thanksgiving feast to celebrate the return of a successful raiding party, fresh from a massacre (ethnic cleansing) of Indians (Native Americans), that it quickly became an American tradition, which continues to  be observed to this day, according to Professor Peter Wodsworth of American History at the Cassandra Institute of Foresight.

Very soon, a pilgrim came up with an idea to combine the two events.

“They must have thought to themselves, ‘Why should we have to go out and hunt down the Indians?’,” said Prof. Wodsworth. “‘When we can have them come to us?’”

The pilgrims sent word out to the remaining surviving Indians, inviting them to a 'Thanksgiving' dinner. But no one took them up on the offer.

After years of broken promises, the pilgrims knew they had to do something different to regain the trust of the red man.

“So they commissioned an artist to make an oil painting of a mock Thanksgiving dinner,” said Prof. Wodsworth.

In that oil painting, pilgrims appeared to be peacefully sharing a meal, eating turkey with Indians. 

“Only they were really breaking bread with other pilgrims merely disguised as Indians and dressed up as turkeys,” said Prof. Wodsworth. 

The pilgrims then circulated the fake first Thanksgiving painting throughout the frontier.

“Some copies still survive to this day,” said Prof. Wodsworth. “You may have encountered them yourself as a child in elementary school.”

Leery of the White man but even more wearier of war, the Indians reluctantly accepted the dinner invitation.

“Anticipating that the Indians expected to be immediately attacked the minute they entered the township,” said Prof. Wodsworth. “The pilgrims instead lured them into a false sense of security by feeding them, even stuffing them at first before killed them.”

Once the Indians ate the turkey and began to nod off from the chemical effects of the tryptophan, the pilgrims would sneak up on them, killing them in their sleep.  

“Many more were murdered in a deadly game of Bobbing for Apples," said Prof. Wodsworth. "Or for an unpaid wager to friends in a so-called friendly game of Thanksgiving Day football pool.” 

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved. 

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