Using everyday household chemical compounds from her bathroom to all-natural organic ingredients from her kitchen, Katie Holmes perfected the art of camouflage during her years of blissful union with her now ex-husband, Tom Cruise. Now she shares her secrets with every woman that feels…or is…trapped in a relationship she just cannot seem to escape.
“I tried playing dead once,” said Katie Holmes, as she rolled out her new all-camouflage cosmetic line at a press conference. “But I guess that only works on bears.”
So instead she created a new line of cosmetics for the woman that just does not have the time to gather up the raw ingredients and manufacture herself a new identity in her kitchen. One that would make any industrialist or weapon systems design specialist green with envy.
Putting on a pair of gag plastic eyeglasses with eyebrows, nose and mustache attached, Katie Holmes turned to the pool of reporters.
“Believe it or not this was my first attempt at disguising myself,” said Katie Holmes. “And guess what? It almost worked too.”
Katie Holmes then recalled how she managed to slip pass the house security guards, through a cluster of machinegun nests and making all the way to the electrified fence almost beyond the perimeter to the outer world. Before she was tracked down by guard dogs and stopped by a freshly planted minefield.
Sadly for Katie Holmes, each attempt thereafter yielded far less successful results as the first.
“It was like they could read my mind,” said Katie Holmes.
Suddenly Katie Holmes stood up from her chair and walked over to a closed door in the conference room.
“Do you mind, people?” yelled Katie Holmes to crowd। “Can we keep this open at all times during this interview? Huh, can we?”
Katie Holmes paused a moment at the doorway, looking as if she was going to walk through it. Only her agent called out her name, stopping her.
After a few moments, Katie Holmes seemed to gather her composure and returned to the stage, continuing with her press conference.
“Katie Holmes was captured or ‘reacquired’ hundreds of times,” later explained Katie Holmes’ agent. “Then she was sent to the ‘viewing room’ for ‘reconditioning’”.
That is when it struck her one day, while watching her husband’s Mission Impossible movies in the viewing room, undergoing another reconditioning treatment session.
There, while sitting in the viewing room the darkness broken only by the flickering artificial light reflected from the movie screen, Katie Holmes’ fingers stumbled upon an X-Men movie script.
“Which I was offered the role of the character Mystique,” said Katie Holmes.
Apparently, Tom Cruse rejected the role for his wife without ever informing her of the offer.
“That’s when the idea came to me like a vision in an involuntary drug induced dream,” said Katie Holmes. “I didn’t just have to disguise my face. But my whole body."
Just like the Mystique character in X-Men.
Using only expired household chemical cleaning products and rotting organic matter, Katie Holmes concocted a strange brew of a pliable beauty cream that renders the wearer virtually invisible.
Initially calling her invention vanishing cream, Katie Holmes later changed it to the Mystique’s Invincible Stealth Suit (M.I.S.S.) in honor of its name sake.
“The pleasant mild blueberry and lime fragrance throws off your scent to guard dogs too,” said Katie Holmes.
Once outside the Kennedy-like compound, Katie Holmes and her daughter rendezvoused with the Soccer Mom underground, carted away to safety.
“M.I.S.S. worked so well, we were almost run down,” said Katie Holmes. “You see, I forgot we were still wearing them.”
If not for the two long shadows their bodies cast on the dark dusty roadside, caught in the high beams of the Soccer Mom van, Katie Holmes’ story could have very well ended tragically, instead of a commercial success.
“And they’re so form fitting and slimming, they probably wouldn’t have discovered our bodies for days,” added Katie Holmes.
Currently, M.I.S.S. is under review by the Pentagon for possible military applications.
M.I.S.S. also comes in plus sizes for the full figured woman and is available in like-minded emancipated kid sizes too.
Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
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