American prop comedian Gallagher, best known for his trademarked watermelon-smashing act, has been invited to the Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire (CERN) to smash melons at an accelerated rate of velocity, many reaching nearly that of the speed of light.
“Now that we’ve found the so-called 'God Particle', we’re pretty much wrapping things up here,” said a CERN physicist. “After all, we never really expected to find it -- I mean find it so soon.”
CERN physicists say they know of no one else on the planet that enjoys smashing things more than they do other than Gallagher and thus the reason why they invited him to their facility.
Ever since CERN physicists found the God particle, however, they have been sitting around, burning through their grant money, running lower priority experiments. Such as using the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) to dry their laundry, cracking walnuts and bust open a few piñatas for the kids in the neighborhood.
So physicists thought to themselves, “Why not invite Gallagher to throw a few melons around, except really, really fast?”
Inside the LHC, the watermelons will be accelerated to incredible speeds.
“Gallagher will be inside the LHC too,” said a physicist.
Once the watermelons reach their top speed, Gallagher will be allowed to step into the LHC.
Gallagher will be wearing protective gear, of course. Consisting of a white clean suit, goggles and a giant wooden mallet.
“He will then attempt to smash the oncoming watermelons, which will be whisking by him at nearly the speed of light,” said a physicist.
However some physicists predict that at that speed, Gallagher will no longer be the one doing the smashing.
“He’ll quickly go from a melon smasher to a melon smashee in a microsecond. Transforming from matter into energy right before our very own spectro-monitors,” one physicist cautioned.
Despite the doomsday forecast, however, Gallagher remains confident that he will be able to smash any watermelon at any speed without being converted into pure energy.
“After all his trusty ‘Sledge-O-Matic®’ has never let him down before,” said Gallagher’s publicist.
Meanwhile, inside the LHC, entombed within miles and miles of subterranean tunneling, Gallagher takes up his position with his giant wooden mallet in hand, as a watermelon light-speeds its way toward him.
…To Be Continued.
Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.