Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Billy Crystal to Host Academy Awards from a Cryogenic Chamber

Hollywood, California –

Move over Walt, HERE COMES BILLY!...AGAIN!

That’s right, Billy Crystal is literally being taken out of cold storage to host the Academy Awards this year.

“It’s the only thing he could think of to explain his absence from the Oscars all these years,” said a publicist for Mr. Crystal. “And the loss of his eyebrows, due to the freezer burn.”

The plan, or the joke, is to have Billy Crystal entombed in a stainless steel cryogenic chamber rolled out onto the stage riding on a dolly, accompanied by three lovely-looking female assistants dressed up as scientists.

“They’ll be wearing black framed eyeglasses, black rubber gloves, black stiletto heels and lab coats that will only reach their knees,” continued the publicist.

The “scientists” will then attempt to awaken Billy Crystal from his cryogenic induced sleep to once again host the Oscars.

After turning a series of knobs and flipping a few toggles on some nearby electronic equipment, however, they open the cryogenic chamber only to find it is empty.

“We asked Geraldo Rivera if he would open it up, but he said no,” said a production assistant who worked on the set during rehearsals.

Back on stage, all the house lights go out, while a few moments later a single spotlight shines up on the rafters.

A masked figure in a cape looms far above the heads of the audience.

“It’s Billy Crystal dressed as the phantom from Phantom of the Opera,” said another production assistant.

Billy Crystal then swings down from the scuffling onto the stage, saying: “I’ve returned, you say? How can I return if I never left?”

Billy Crystal then takes the audience for a tour (via a remote camera) of his underground labyrinth.

“As you can see, I’ve been living here right under your feet the whole time,” Crystal says as he walks through several hidden passageways cluttered with empty soup cans, newspapers, soiled mattresses and Occupy L.A. tents.

“Pay no attention to them,” says Billy Crystal referring to the tents. “They just got here a few months ago, I’ve been here for years. I’m the original Occupier. ”

One-by-one famous movie stars that have not been seen at the Oscars for years begin to emerge from the Occupy tents. Each of them holding a script in hand, begging Billy Crystal to take it upstairs to some producer to read.

“No,” replies Billy Crystal. “You know I can’t do that. It would be unprofessional of me if I did.”

Billy Crystal then turns to make his way back to the surface.

On the way back up, a script falls out from Billy Crystal’s cape. It is one he wrote, “When Harry Leaves Sally”.

Crystal picks it up. And holding it to his lips, he kisses it. Saying to himself: “This is it. This is your chance, Billy. Blow it now, and they’ll never invite you back. Not for another ten years. ‘Til then, it’s back to the ice crypt with you know who.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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