According to divorce papers filed by Demi Moore against her husband several years her junior, Ashton Kutcher was having a Twitter love affair. Not with another woman on Twitter, however, but with IT (Information Technology). That is to say with the latest of today’s social networking and microblogging devices itself.
Not to break with new tradition, however, Ashton Kutcher replied to Demi Moore’s divorce decree allegations via his Twitter account.
“Mr. Kutcher became increasingly emotionally detached,” Demi Moore said at a press conference, as she began reading a copy of her filed court pleadings. “Choosing to spend more time Tweeting his millions of fans than with me.”
Ashton Tweeted: “That’s BS, man. Just wrong. I spent time with – Wait, excuse me. I just got to answer this Tweet.”
Demi Moore cited irreconcilable differences and alienation of affection as the cause for petitioning the court for a divorce.
Ashton Tweeted: “Typical chick move. Obsessed with planning the perfect wedding and the first one’s to file for divorce.”
Reportedly, Demi caught Ashton Tweeting at all times during the day and night.
Ashton Tweeted: “Come on, man. Cut me some slack here. It was only that once. Obama just won the election.”
“He just wouldn’t put it down,” said a desperate Demi Moore, claiming Ashton would Tweet at every opportunity possible.
Ashton Tweeted: “Oh yeah, I remember now. I was supposed to be shaving her hairy mole, lancing her boils and chucking the corns on her feet. EXCUSE MEEE!”
Allegedly, Ashton was caught Tweeting, even while making love to Demi.
Ashton Tweeted: “I guess you could say that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Like as in her Joe Camel 2-packs-a-day cigarette sounding voice.”
“When we were intimate,” Demi Moore said subtlety, as she delicately broached a sensitive subject. “Ashton would rest his BlackBerry on the small of my back.”
Ashton Tweeted: “Yeah, and when I got a Tweet, I said to her, ‘Sorry, honey. I just got to take this booty call.’ LOL.”
Demi Moore claims that she begged her husband to enter rehab, but he refused. Insisting he did not have a problem.
Ashton Tweeted: “Why should I? I’m not the one having trouble embracing the twenty-first century.”
Eventually, as is the case with all troubled relationships, communication between the two all but stopped.
Ashton Tweeted: “Yeah, she removed the batteries from her BlackBerry and started using them in other electronic devices.”
“In the end, he refused to talk to me,” said Demi Moore. “I grew tired of coming home to what had essentially become a big empty house.”
Ashton Tweeted: “That’s not true. I Tweeted her all the time from all over the place: the kitchen, the living room, the bathroom and even the bedroom.”
Demi Moore said she found it difficult to properly express herself in 140 characters or less, as Ashton demanded of her.
“Call me old fashion,” said a tearful Demi Moore. “But I need an occasional handwritten love letter. Something tactile that you can hold in your hands, and clutch to your heart.”
Ashton Tweeted: “Handwritten love letter? Try a clay tablet with hieroglyphics.”
A somber Demi Moore concluded by saying, “I guess social networking and microblogging was the one generation gap we just couldn’t fill.”
Ironically, Ashton simultaneously Tweeted the same thing:
Ashton Tweeted: “I guess social networking and microblogging was the one generation gap we just couldn’t fill.”
Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.