Friday, October 23, 2009

Tracy Morgan’s Tell-All Book: Tina Fey’s feet smell like feet!

New York, New York --

“I’m not the least bit gun shy when it comes to unloading all the dirty laundry of my fellow former SNL cast members,”’ said Tracy Morgan on his recent promotional tour for his book '‘I Am the New Black'’ about his rise from the mean streets of New York City to an Emmy Award nominated actor in Hollywood for his performance on "30 Rock’'. In which some argue he pretty much continues to play himself.

“Why the hell not? They’d do it to me in a New York second, too,” continued Morgan. “Pop a cap in my ass, if I wasn’t looking. I know they would. I just happened to be the one to do it first, which makes me look like the bad guy? But I’m not too worried about that.”

Turning his head from side-to-side, checking to see if no else is looking, Tracy Morgan makes a gun gesture, using his index finger and thumb, adding with a wink, “Tracy Morgan takes care of Tracy Morgan. You know what I mean?”

Insisting that his story is more than a story of rags to riches, Tracy Morgan says, “My story is a story about going from hags to bitches.”

In his new tell-all book, which comes with a special introduction by Maya Angelou in which she dedicates a new poem to him entitled: ‘I Fall’; Tracy Morgan begins his sortie claiming Tina Fey of all things has a chronic foot odor problem.

“Tina Fey’s feet smell like feet!” said Tracy Morgan. “And all the time, too.”

Tracy Morgan writes that during SNL read-throughs, Tina Fey would often kickoff her stiletto heels. Only for him to threaten Lorne Michaels that he would walkout, if he did not get her to put her shoes back on.

“Don’t get me wrong I love women’s feet. And believe me Tina has some fine looking feet. But you got to sneak up on them, holding your nose just to get a peek,” writes Morgan, dedicating an entire chapter to the subject. “Women’s feet shouldn’t smell like feet. Only men’s feet should smell like feet.”

Morgan goes on to profess his love for Tina Fey as well, especially for writing him a permanent role on ‘30 Rock’ as the other adorable self-centered insensitive stereotypical male chauvinist pig, opposite Alec Baldwin’s character.

“I love you Tina,” continues Morgan. “You know you’re my girl. And I got your back, but you got to get your smelly feet some medical attention. Go to the ER, girl. Or go see a Catholic priest or something. Maybe even get them amputated.”

Later, Tracy Morgan prided himself on curing Tina Fey’s alleged foot odor problem on the set of ’30 Rock’ at least temporarily, claiming the condition is a lot like the hiccups.

“So one night, when the crew all went home,” confessed Morgan. “And Tina Fey was alone working late, I went down stairs to the underground parking lot and waited for her there.”

Wearing a black ski mask and carrying a rubber knife he barrowed from the prop department, Tracy Morgan hid behind Tina Fey’s car, waiting for her to come down stairs. And when she did, he jumped up behind her, causing her to faint.

“Now Tina doesn’t have smelly feet no more,” said Tracy Morgan. “Although she does have to go to the bathroom every time she sees me. Oh, and sometimes she cries, too. But I can live with that.”

Tracy Morgan’s tell-all book is not just about the shortcomings of his fellow 'Not Ready for Primetime Players', however. He takes a few chapters to remove the rafter from his own eye as well.

While on SNL, Morgan enjoyed dressing up like Maya Angelou.

“It felt good to walk in the high heel shoes of a powerful Black woman,” Morgan said. “It empowered me as a Black man, though I didn’t like it when Lorne hit on me while I was in character. I would have punched him or said something at the time, but I didn’t want to lose my job.”

After that, Tracy Morgan was always made to feel as if he was invisible by some of his fellow SNL cast members.

“I don’t know how they found out I had superpowers of invisibility,” said Tracy Morgan. “But they did.”

Tracy Morgan says that he did not mind his fellow SNL cast members knowing that he had the power of invisibility, only that they used it against him.

“They’d ignore me even when I wasn’t invisible,” said Morgan. “And that hurt me in the heart sometimes. But most of the time, it just pissed me off, making me [BLEEP] mad.”

Tracy Morgan’s book would be incomplete if he did not have a few words to say about his mentor, Lorne Michaels.

“Lorne Michaels is cool,” said Morgan. “For a Canadian. Believe it or not, he smells like bacon and [BLEEP]. I love [BLEEP], so he’s okay.”

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo