Hollywood, California --
Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo
“Thank you all for coming today, ladies,” said Chris Brown while wearing a white Karate kimono with a black belt standing before a group of women wearing layered protective martial arts suits from head to toe. “Welcome to the Chris Brown self-defense course for women. Now y'all maybe wondering why you’re dressed in those getups and not me.”
As Chris Brown continued to politely address the heavily padded group of women explaining to them the reason for their protective suits, some began to cower from him but the protective suits they wore limited their mobility.
“Look ladies,” said Chris Brown as he took a step back perhaps sensing their apprehension. “I know you’re used to seeing the attacker wearing the padded suit instead of the intended victim. However, since this my self-defense class we’re going to do things my way, or it’s the highway. After all, it’s my damn community service! Not yours! You dig?”
All of the women then attempted to waddle their way to the door but their suits encumbered them so that Chris Brown easily out maneuvered them, blocking their attempted escape.
“Where do you think you ladies are going?” said Chris Brown as he jumped in front of the group of padded women. “Now, shall we begin with our first lesson?”
With no choice but to stay and participate, the ladies whispered among themselves forming an alliance as Chris Brown had his back to them preparing himself with some Hatha Combat Yoga breathing exercises.
Chris Brown then turned facing the ladies, challenging them to attack him one-on-one.
As the first lady approached, Chris Brown quickly disabled her with a roundhouse kick to the face, making her fall to the ground. Though physically unharmed, all the ladies gasped with concern for the safety of one of their own.
“Okay, okay that was good,” said Chris Brown jumping up and down while cracking his neck and throwing punches in the air. “But, ah, let’s say one of you ladies snuck up on me from behind, while I wasn’t looking. Let’s try that.”
One of the ladies reluctantly stepped forward to attack Chris Brown as he had his back turned. Encouraged by the others that it was the only way out.
Slowly waddling her way up behind Chris Brown, she found the courage and strength inside her to carryout the attack. Cheered on by the others, she lunged forward only to be greeted with a Bruce Lee backhanded fist to the face, sending her crashing backwards in slow motion onto the matted floor.
“Okay, okay that was good, too,” said Chris Brown now breaking out into a sweat as he paced back-and-forth before the ladies like a tiger stalking its prey. “But, ah, let’s say that while we were walking down the red carpet, your cell phone started to ring. And I ask you who is it and you lie to me saying it was your Momma. When I know it’s some guy texting you somewhere amongst the hordes of your so-called fans. Then I suddenly popped you in the face like this.”
Without warning Chris Brown sucker punched one of the ladies dropping her to the floor. Then he began to pile drive her like a wrestler from the WWF, jumping up and down on her with his elbow.
Chris Brown then reached down giving the woman he had just pile drove into the ground a hand up.
“No hard feelings, right? It’s nothing personal. All par for the course,” said Chris Brown as he then disappeared out of sight for a moment before returning, wheeling out a cutout cross-section of a vehicle similar to the one he was driving that ill-fated night that resulted in his conviction and subsequent community service.
“Okay, now how about we test my self-defense skills in a confined space?” said Chris Brown as he sat behind the wheel and buckled his seatbelt. “Who’s next?”
As Chris Brown continued to politely address the heavily padded group of women explaining to them the reason for their protective suits, some began to cower from him but the protective suits they wore limited their mobility.
“Look ladies,” said Chris Brown as he took a step back perhaps sensing their apprehension. “I know you’re used to seeing the attacker wearing the padded suit instead of the intended victim. However, since this my self-defense class we’re going to do things my way, or it’s the highway. After all, it’s my damn community service! Not yours! You dig?”
All of the women then attempted to waddle their way to the door but their suits encumbered them so that Chris Brown easily out maneuvered them, blocking their attempted escape.
“Where do you think you ladies are going?” said Chris Brown as he jumped in front of the group of padded women. “Now, shall we begin with our first lesson?”
With no choice but to stay and participate, the ladies whispered among themselves forming an alliance as Chris Brown had his back to them preparing himself with some Hatha Combat Yoga breathing exercises.
Chris Brown then turned facing the ladies, challenging them to attack him one-on-one.
As the first lady approached, Chris Brown quickly disabled her with a roundhouse kick to the face, making her fall to the ground. Though physically unharmed, all the ladies gasped with concern for the safety of one of their own.
“Okay, okay that was good,” said Chris Brown jumping up and down while cracking his neck and throwing punches in the air. “But, ah, let’s say one of you ladies snuck up on me from behind, while I wasn’t looking. Let’s try that.”
One of the ladies reluctantly stepped forward to attack Chris Brown as he had his back turned. Encouraged by the others that it was the only way out.
Slowly waddling her way up behind Chris Brown, she found the courage and strength inside her to carryout the attack. Cheered on by the others, she lunged forward only to be greeted with a Bruce Lee backhanded fist to the face, sending her crashing backwards in slow motion onto the matted floor.
“Okay, okay that was good, too,” said Chris Brown now breaking out into a sweat as he paced back-and-forth before the ladies like a tiger stalking its prey. “But, ah, let’s say that while we were walking down the red carpet, your cell phone started to ring. And I ask you who is it and you lie to me saying it was your Momma. When I know it’s some guy texting you somewhere amongst the hordes of your so-called fans. Then I suddenly popped you in the face like this.”
Without warning Chris Brown sucker punched one of the ladies dropping her to the floor. Then he began to pile drive her like a wrestler from the WWF, jumping up and down on her with his elbow.
Chris Brown then reached down giving the woman he had just pile drove into the ground a hand up.
“No hard feelings, right? It’s nothing personal. All par for the course,” said Chris Brown as he then disappeared out of sight for a moment before returning, wheeling out a cutout cross-section of a vehicle similar to the one he was driving that ill-fated night that resulted in his conviction and subsequent community service.
“Okay, now how about we test my self-defense skills in a confined space?” said Chris Brown as he sat behind the wheel and buckled his seatbelt. “Who’s next?”
Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo
